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a sketch and stuff
2011-12-01 / 05:10

(new sketch..a woman-knight...or something)

hi folks!

yesterday was quite a cute day. cute because the kids of my boss and his wife came to visit and those lil toddlers are only ..well i dont know how old they are but the girl selma cant even speak and the boy bela is in his "why is that so?" phase. they are just too cute and it happenened that i said "somedays i wanna have kids too" my work-mate said "i will never give birth to a child voluntaryally (is this a word?)!" so i was thinking about this part again. this look on her face. she wasnt judging me - she just look like she made her decision for life. and since i was thinking about this kinda stuff in the past weeks a lot because of my rough life planning - i just started to think even more about this topic.

do i really want kids? i was always sure that i want at least one for my very own selfish reasons, for love, for my family, for maybe alex? but then i am thinking again. hey girl - yeah you are still a girl not a woman yet i think - there is so much to see out there and just because you will turn 30 or thirty-something one day it doesnt mean you HAVE to have a kid. whats with traveling, whats with buying so much great stuff and sharing with it with the ppl i love? my brothers both have great families - and i am more or less great aunt. i love them all! so why even bother and thinking about having kids. i like the idea of a family. i love to teach kids stuff and i love to see how they learn so fast! but there are so many kids out there who havent got a home and are starving, freezing and just dont have anybody to lean on. it would be a great idea to adopt - but would i really love the kid as much as one of my own. or would i even love my own kids? the shit part of this is that i am a girl with the gene-pool of my mother and i am afraid that the same thing could happen to me like to her. while she was pregnant with me she had some kind of cancer on her uterus so she couldnt gave birth after me. she was only 27 yrs old back than and there is a possability that i can get this too. so what then? what if i dont take my ability to get kids as long as i am healthy. i am not ill yet but you never now. even if i stay healthy - after i pass my 40ies or 45s i wont be able to get pregnant. or even want to. do i want to have a 15 yr old kid when i am 60 - no.

so again the question - do i want kids? and when? i have plans. plans i try to come true now. but look - if i follow my dreams and go on - i wont be able to have like any time for anything else except for this. so then i will be in my 30ies - great time to start a family - but maybe not. i really dont know. i only knew women who wanted kids or just said "we will see" but never ONE who said NO to a kid until now. its new to me. i mean i am not blind - i read all the time "no i dont want kids" and stuff - and i am always thinking "its your choice go for it" but its diffrent to hear somebody who even like kids and plays around with them to say "no i never ever ever EVER want kids" how great how easy i can be influenced by a almost stranger. maybe i just should stop thinking and just go on. ha - that reminds me of a phonecall i had some time ago - when a friend said to me "women in general are thinking too much - they should just do what ever they want." and i said "noooooo waaay girls dont think too much - have done this and that and blah" so i think he is kinda right.

beside this there is more going on in my life. i try to write a story. i have started that a whole lot of times. can remember my first story was called "lilly" and i was around 12 or something. i wrote 60 pages in 2 weeks. i dont know how i made it back then - in this age but it was a cute lil story about a girl who moved from one city to another and made a lot of mistakes. i wrote a lot some years ago and even once - like 3 yrs ago i even got somekind of pre-book-deal. but i just stopped writing when the contract was in front of me... long story short: my book-agent/lecturer told me that the publisher take me on hold and i could give them a call when i finish the script and then we will see what happen. i had around 160 pages together - what makes like a 200 to 230paged book but then i stopped. with no reason. i still have the script here - i read it and i can tell i like it but i just cant write further. i dont know why but i am just not feeling it anymore. the new story is quite diffrent. i am only on page 28 - i am excited and i feel like i fell in love again. it was never and maybe never will be my intension to be a writer - its more a life-goal-dream that i want to write a whole story that means something to me once. i have done some shortstories meanwhile i was writing this story because i had to find like a "style" its diffrent to write diffrent genres or conversations. to get the tension or write cute or scarry. writing is meditative - just like reading. right now i love jane austin and bukovski again - two total opposites and both not book types i usually read. i am more the fiction and fantasy reader. so we will see what happens with this story i am writing on. i spend a lot of time of daydreaming about it so i hope it will work out.

my main passion drawing is diffrent right now. i applied in some shops for an apprenticeship (thats the reason why i dont post that much here atm) and everyone said no or said only in a year because they already have someone. every tattooer say something diffrent and sure i try to use it to become better. they all said that my work is good and even one said that i am in his top 10 % of his application folders he has seen so far. what made me happy for the moment - but to get an apprenticeship is hard. the most questions they asked me were "have you tattooed before?" "why do you want to do this?" and "why not applying to any tattooer in a streetshop if you just want to do it?" to the first question my answer was always no - cause i dont want to give someone some creepy shit infection tattoo - and then the one hand say "why not? not even on yourself? just try it" and the other say "great - thats good" the answer to the second question is always the same - cause i cant imagine to really DO anything every day. sure maybe your back or your sight would get worse and ppl can treat you like shit but i really want to do it and i will do it..whatever it takes. i wouldnt forgive myself if i wouldnt try it. i know nobody is waiting for me out there and most of the tattooer just say the fact is that there are already too many. but hey one more isnt the point i think - ok if everyone would think like this - it wouldnt be that good. but i want this so i will do it. the answer to the third question was and is - i wanted someone who i can respect and who i can look up to. i even dont know every good tattooer and never will but whats the point of learning it wrong? there ARE shit shops out there - but i dont want to part of this world. the tattooer i have applied to were all very nice - and kind and wished me all the luck (except for one but he called me princess so i think he just didnt like the fact i was a girl) or said i should come again in some months to check so we will see what will happen. they asked me a lot of more questions and i had great conversations - and will get tattooed by many of them when i have the money but i dont want to talk too much about it - eventhough i really wish i could but i think - maybe this wont work out. its true - maybe i wont get an apprenticeship. maybe there is another way for me - even to start tattooing or do something else. but i will fight - wax on wax off ! all i can do is do my best and dont get lazy. my wishes and dreams wont come true just by staying at home and doing nothing.

talking about tattoos - i have got an appointment next year in march by the great artist marc alter in his shop Link

i will get a puss in boots (hahaha i have just googled it how the fairy tale is called in english and puss in boots is just great!) i always wanted a cat and a bird from him - i just love his cats and birds - so the first motive will be there in some months YES!

thats all for today!

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